Growing up in Sarajevo in a pretty much dysfunctional family, I thought I was different because other families were “normal”. Growing up in Berlin as a refugee later I thought I was different because I was poor and I lived in a refugee center. Then I came to Holland. And felt different again. I couldn’t say why.
I lived a life of the people of my age. I had a job. I studied. I made art. I bought an apartment. I made some money. I spend it on stuff and travels. I made pictures of myself at dinners. Shared it on facebook and instagram. I wrote an inspiring text with it. But did I feel part of something? No. Never. And as you already know how the story goes… I walked in to a Kundalini class… and then everything changed. Well, it wasn’t so simple but it kind of happened pretty fast.
I finally had a feeling of belonging somewhere. It wasn’t the Kundalini community. It wasn’t Amsterdam. Nor was it my neighbourhood. I started to see a bigger picture. A picture where I was a part of something much bigger. Something more important. Something that made sense. In that picture I belonged to me. And that me was everything. Hoping that this feeling would stay with me forever I would do yoga every day. I would meditate. I would chant. I would learn all mantras, the right pronunciation. Whatever helped to keep that feeling. Not to let it go. Ever.
Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want you to do yoga. Nor to meditate. I don’t say everything I do will work for everyone. There is no formula. There is no wonder pill. Some of you might sing. And some of you might make art. Some of you might make babies. And some of you might find joy in buying expensive shoes. Some of you might do your 9-5 jobs. Some of you might try to do all of that. Some of you are ok. But many, many of you, many of us are not. And that is why I think I should write. And share. And teach. Because I care. And because in this bigger picture you are also me.
Recently I discovered that I might have ADHD. I found it exciting to know why I always felt so strange. Why I always thought I was mentally ill. Why I couldn’t focus. Why I never could handle routine. Why I have to move when my body wants to move. Why I had troubles sleeping. And why I always felt so different. No, it wasn’t that I was born an “old soul” what an overpaid Shaman told me. No, it’s just some receptors in my brain don’t work the way they should. Docs can give you pills for that trying to re-establish the connection between those receptors. That works sometimes, yes. But I’m afraid of it. And I ask myself am I afraid of the pills or am I afraid that I would finally “function”.
What does it mean “to function”? And what if I function already? Maybe this world doesn’t. Maybe we are not all made to sit behind the computer all day. Maybe we are not made to have always the same kind of job. Maybe we are not meant to sit still. Maybe it is just not important to make money. Maybe it is not important to have a career. Maybe it’s just ok to be insecure. Maybe all of that is just ok? Maybe we all just don’t fit in… Who does?
When I honestly share with the people around me, I notice that many of you feel isolated. That you feel different. That you have the feeling that you don’t function very well. And then you start to fight yourself. You fight yourself to be something else. You want to change yourself. You take pills. And you drink. You buy expensive stuff. You eat terrible food. You eat too much. Or you don’t eat enough. You are trying to show the world that you are ok. And you fake that smile. And you fake that joy. Because you hope when you finally change you will fit in. You will be part of something. You will belong somewhere.
By paying attention to what my “non-functional” mind needs. By paying attention to what my body needs. By paying attention to what heals me on an emotional level I start accepting myself bit by bit. When I don’t do that my mind falls back into the fighting mode. I can’t stand myself. I feel alone. And I feel lost. Yoga just gives me that pill. It gives me the technique of accepting. With the help of movement, with the help of breath, with mantra and with meditation I slowly accept who I am. And that just gives me a peace of mind. This yoga pill I’m choosing to take, is a pill I have to take for the rest of my life. The moment I drop it, my insecure, delusional self comes back thru the backdoor.
Well, my friend, the moment you stop fighting yourself and train your body and mind to listen to your soul, that is the moment of fitting in. Because only then will you win over your worst enemy. Of you.